(This was written early October 2011 and it was never published. With these past blogs, I just really feel like someone needs to know they're not alone in their grief. So I'm praying for them to find these and be encouraged. Now 3 years later, Jaxson is very open talking about his sister in heaven and now he has 2 siblings in our house. Most of the time this year he has included Madison and he's comfortable with that answer to pretty much anyone that asks. So we talk very openly about her. The younger siblings talk about missing her and how when we go to heaven we'll see her. They know that she is with Jesus and we will all be united some day. IF you're reading this and struggling with these questions, grief takes time and you'll know when the time is right. Be patient with your children that are also grieving. Pray and pray for patience and wisdom!)
We're just waiting now for Baby Karson to arrive. It seems like any day she should be here, but it could be 2-3 more weeks so we're just waiting and trying to be patient. In the meantime, I've been struggling?...not sure that's the right word, but I'm torn by my answer to the comment, "Oh, you'll have a boy and a girl, how wonderful." I just want to blurt out, "well actually..." but it just hasn't been the right moment so I just smile and nod and walk away. They're passing comments and they're expressing their excitement for our family, but I walk away almost feeling like I've misled them or was dishonest...well, I have...no, this is #3, Jaxson is already a big brother, we will have 2 girls and 1 boy. But instead of kindly correcting them, I just walk away.
This type of conversation never seems to fit naturally so then I question whether to completely change the mood or just let the conversation pass. I've been just letting it go, but then I don't let it go, I think about it and play the scenario through in my head wondering how to say it nicely and without so much emotion.
I don't have the answers to this constant dilemma, but I hope someday in a sweet and non-confrontational way I can mention Madison without being too emotional and without making the other person feel bad.
I did have a lady ask me at the store last week, "when are you due". She asked how many kids we had so I said, "this is #3." She said, "oh, what do you have at home?" I thought that was an interesting way to ask, but I without any hesitation said, "we have a 4-year-old boy at home and a daughter that passed away". She said, "oh, so you're going to get your girl and you'll have one of each." Really? I mean, she was being so sweet and I appreciated her asking me and talking with me. She didn't know what to say, prior to us going through this loss, I didn't know what to say either.
So I thought, is this how it is, am I completely misunderstanding how this whole life and death thing works? Just because we're having a girl doesn't mean that everything is right with the world.
At any point in our daily lives you can talk with Jaxson about his sister Madison and you'd know that no, all is not right with the world. No matter how many kids we have, until we are reunited with Madison in Heaven, all will never be right with the world. That's just the hard truth at least from my heart right now. I think if Jaxson could verbalize it, he'd say the same thing. I mean, how is it right when a 4-year-old little boy (almost 2 years later) is still asking why Madison can't come back and why we can't see her now. It just doesn't make sense that if she's not sick in Heaven why Jesus can't give her back to us.
We're not alone and I'm curious how other families deal with that question. What is their response and what is the response of the sibling when they're asked, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
There isn't an exact right response all the time, I know.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
The day I realized that I am not in control...
(This was written a year ago and I never published it...guess life just got busy or it wasn't necessary at the time. Now I'm re-looking at our blog and pray this will be an encouragement to someone that may be struggling with the same issues or dealing with similar situations. This is very honest and real. Praise Jesus we are doing great now, we learned a lot through this season. It seems like there is always a lesson learned and then grief is thrown in the mix and it makes for an interesting mess. But God is control, not me. I am constantly reminding the kids to only worry about themselves when it comes to one of them trying to control the other sibling. But all the while still even today I try and control, but God is continuing to give me patience and give me guidance on what is within my purview and what is not for me to worry about. So read this knowing there is beauty in the ashes and JOY does come in the morning.)
It's been a struggle, maybe all my life, but it's gradually gotten worse, I think since 2010, but maybe before. It's not an excuse, it's just an obvious life change that turned my heart upside down and changed my world forever. So naturally we come out on the other side of it changed. But it wasn't good. It's been a constant struggle. My family has noticed and felt the brunt of my emotions. God has been holding us together. And thankfully God is full of Grace and Mercy that is new every morning.
Our marriage has definitely had some ups and downs, but I wanted to take some time to process this past couple years so I can earmark it to reflect and remind us that we don't want to go back, we don't want to ever experience family, marriage and life this way again. So it's raw and honest, but hopefully it's encouraging.
I read a marriage blog last week that put the puzzle together for me. It's been a long road of work, study, and processing. It's been a road of doubt, insecurity, worry, frustration, anger, etc. In our marriage, we recently worked through some obvious concerns and have talked and talked, set boundaries, have open communication and are working on trust and respect together. But there was still something missing, I was still feeling very uneasy and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, we still have work to do and we're ready to face the days and years together. 10 years with 2 people that are very different in how we think, feel, and experience life, there is a lot of fun and a lot of learning involved then mix in the 3 growing kids that need us and look to us for security and teaching, it's quite the situation. So, all that to say, here's the eye-opening realization... I have been trying to control everything... marriage, husband, kids, people's thoughts and motives...everything. So, obviously, that doesn't work well. It sounds so silly, but the thing is, I thought I was helping and preventing pain and preventing mistakes and preventing heartache.
The more I pray and process, the more I realize the "chains of bondage" that have been holding me down. My worry and anxiety after losing Madison plus the marital frustration that also goes hand-in-hand with losing Madison was causing turmoil in my heart. That sweet baby girl, even though she's not here, she still is part of our lives. Let's face it, the kids that live in this house add fun and stress and worry so it's natural that our daughter in heaven should have a place in our hearts with the same characteristics, right? This is absolutely not her fault, no blame toward her whatsoever. It's 100% the choices I made day after day that led to anger taking over. So there it is....anger. But at the root of anger is control and the root of worry is control and the root of disagreements is most of the time control. So, control is the issue!
I knew the joy was gone for a time, but that is expected. I knew the pain was at times unbearable, but that is expected. I knew our marriage was rocked, but that is expected. I knew Jaxson would miss his sister, but that is expected. So years of expecting joy to return and expecting our marriage and life to get easier as we adjusted to the "new normal" only covered up the deeper issue growing in my heart. When those expected situations weren't changing as quickly as I wanted, I was frustrated. When I couldn't help comfort Jaxson because the answers didn't make sense to me, I was worried. When Mike and I were misunderstanding each other, I was angry. Do you see the control rearing it's head up. It was subtle, but now it's so obvious, it was just disguised by excuses.
So, after months of struggling, praying, and then reading that blog, I told Mike the other night, I refuse to lose another year. Another year fighting for our marriage, another year worrying and yes, yelling at the kids, another year of disrespecting and not trusting him. I refuse to let this literally control me. The anger was too much to bear. I might add, that about 3 years ago, I worked through my anger and God released it from me. I dealt with it the same way, struggling through it, praying about it, repenting to God, asking forgiveness to the kids and to Mike. I love them with every ounce of my being, but boy were my actions speaking louder than my words. All that to say, when the anger came up on me again, I started treating it the exact same way, until that blog. If you didn't read it, it said, "We let
chronic fear, worry, and anxiety rob us of joy. We're surrounded by the people we love and care for most, but we can't enjoy it." In that snip-it, you may not read control, but last Tuesday, that's what I felt and it was an "ahh ha" lightbulb-type experience that can't be explained. I really thought this talked about anger, even as I shared it with Mike but either way, the Holy Spirit was prompting my heart to be set free!
It's not a perfect road because as we all know, "Satan is prowling around like a roaring lion waiting for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). If you are studying God's word and growing in your faith, you are that "someone" so beware. I'm not unaware of it and I fall prey daily. I just pray that God will continue to give me strength to fight the fear and anxiety as I feel it creeping up in the pit of my stomach. Because those emotions all to easily turn to control and anger. I do feel it and I hope I always do because it keeps me humble and it keeps me focused on love, truth, trust, respect, patience, encouragement and all things that are of God..."pure, right, true, and holy...think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
The first couple days were incredible, filled with laughter and fun, joy and happiness. Now I'm retraining myself to be patient and taking the time to reteach the kids basic survival skills like self control, talking through frustration, not controlling their siblings...I know, mom of the year right here, seriously, I never said I was proud of my example. I told you this was raw and honest. I don't need to fill this blog with fluffy, we had fun times and we enjoy plenty of hugs and kisses and joy, because we truly do. The kids are amazing kids, growing and learning, loving and trusting. Very secure in themselves and in our family. Most of all, learning more about Jesus, too. We all know it's easy to make good choices when everything is going well. In the good times, of course, we're happy and making memories. Its when the going gets tough that those survival skills are necessary and those are the moments that we are all re-programming.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.
It's been a struggle, maybe all my life, but it's gradually gotten worse, I think since 2010, but maybe before. It's not an excuse, it's just an obvious life change that turned my heart upside down and changed my world forever. So naturally we come out on the other side of it changed. But it wasn't good. It's been a constant struggle. My family has noticed and felt the brunt of my emotions. God has been holding us together. And thankfully God is full of Grace and Mercy that is new every morning.
Our marriage has definitely had some ups and downs, but I wanted to take some time to process this past couple years so I can earmark it to reflect and remind us that we don't want to go back, we don't want to ever experience family, marriage and life this way again. So it's raw and honest, but hopefully it's encouraging.
I read a marriage blog last week that put the puzzle together for me. It's been a long road of work, study, and processing. It's been a road of doubt, insecurity, worry, frustration, anger, etc. In our marriage, we recently worked through some obvious concerns and have talked and talked, set boundaries, have open communication and are working on trust and respect together. But there was still something missing, I was still feeling very uneasy and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, we still have work to do and we're ready to face the days and years together. 10 years with 2 people that are very different in how we think, feel, and experience life, there is a lot of fun and a lot of learning involved then mix in the 3 growing kids that need us and look to us for security and teaching, it's quite the situation. So, all that to say, here's the eye-opening realization... I have been trying to control everything... marriage, husband, kids, people's thoughts and motives...everything. So, obviously, that doesn't work well. It sounds so silly, but the thing is, I thought I was helping and preventing pain and preventing mistakes and preventing heartache.
The more I pray and process, the more I realize the "chains of bondage" that have been holding me down. My worry and anxiety after losing Madison plus the marital frustration that also goes hand-in-hand with losing Madison was causing turmoil in my heart. That sweet baby girl, even though she's not here, she still is part of our lives. Let's face it, the kids that live in this house add fun and stress and worry so it's natural that our daughter in heaven should have a place in our hearts with the same characteristics, right? This is absolutely not her fault, no blame toward her whatsoever. It's 100% the choices I made day after day that led to anger taking over. So there it is....anger. But at the root of anger is control and the root of worry is control and the root of disagreements is most of the time control. So, control is the issue!
I knew the joy was gone for a time, but that is expected. I knew the pain was at times unbearable, but that is expected. I knew our marriage was rocked, but that is expected. I knew Jaxson would miss his sister, but that is expected. So years of expecting joy to return and expecting our marriage and life to get easier as we adjusted to the "new normal" only covered up the deeper issue growing in my heart. When those expected situations weren't changing as quickly as I wanted, I was frustrated. When I couldn't help comfort Jaxson because the answers didn't make sense to me, I was worried. When Mike and I were misunderstanding each other, I was angry. Do you see the control rearing it's head up. It was subtle, but now it's so obvious, it was just disguised by excuses.
So, after months of struggling, praying, and then reading that blog, I told Mike the other night, I refuse to lose another year. Another year fighting for our marriage, another year worrying and yes, yelling at the kids, another year of disrespecting and not trusting him. I refuse to let this literally control me. The anger was too much to bear. I might add, that about 3 years ago, I worked through my anger and God released it from me. I dealt with it the same way, struggling through it, praying about it, repenting to God, asking forgiveness to the kids and to Mike. I love them with every ounce of my being, but boy were my actions speaking louder than my words. All that to say, when the anger came up on me again, I started treating it the exact same way, until that blog. If you didn't read it, it said, "We let
chronic fear, worry, and anxiety rob us of joy. We're surrounded by the people we love and care for most, but we can't enjoy it." In that snip-it, you may not read control, but last Tuesday, that's what I felt and it was an "ahh ha" lightbulb-type experience that can't be explained. I really thought this talked about anger, even as I shared it with Mike but either way, the Holy Spirit was prompting my heart to be set free!
It's not a perfect road because as we all know, "Satan is prowling around like a roaring lion waiting for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). If you are studying God's word and growing in your faith, you are that "someone" so beware. I'm not unaware of it and I fall prey daily. I just pray that God will continue to give me strength to fight the fear and anxiety as I feel it creeping up in the pit of my stomach. Because those emotions all to easily turn to control and anger. I do feel it and I hope I always do because it keeps me humble and it keeps me focused on love, truth, trust, respect, patience, encouragement and all things that are of God..."pure, right, true, and holy...think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
The first couple days were incredible, filled with laughter and fun, joy and happiness. Now I'm retraining myself to be patient and taking the time to reteach the kids basic survival skills like self control, talking through frustration, not controlling their siblings...I know, mom of the year right here, seriously, I never said I was proud of my example. I told you this was raw and honest. I don't need to fill this blog with fluffy, we had fun times and we enjoy plenty of hugs and kisses and joy, because we truly do. The kids are amazing kids, growing and learning, loving and trusting. Very secure in themselves and in our family. Most of all, learning more about Jesus, too. We all know it's easy to make good choices when everything is going well. In the good times, of course, we're happy and making memories. Its when the going gets tough that those survival skills are necessary and those are the moments that we are all re-programming.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Karson Faith Temm
We're due November 3 with our 2nd little girl! We've decided after much talk with Jaxson that our baby girl's name is Karson Faith. Jaxson wanted "Jaxson Temm 2" but we thought maybe Karson would want her own identity. :)
She is moving around quite a bit. Jaxson wants to feel her move, but the timing hasn't been right for him to feel her strong enough yet. There will be plenty of time when she's bigger and he can see her movements better. He's so excited and proud. He says, "Karson loves kisses" and then he'll kiss my belly and "tickle, tickle" as he moves his fingers across my belly like a spider.
Even before Mike and I were married, I always thought for some reason I'd have 3 boys. And Mike pointed out to me the other night that we are going to have 3 "sons": Jaxson, Madison, and Karson! Ha!! Interesting, huh?? I was amused by his realization and we had a good laugh. So true, so true! Not at all what I'd pictured, but still true. Life is not always as it seems.
She is moving around quite a bit. Jaxson wants to feel her move, but the timing hasn't been right for him to feel her strong enough yet. There will be plenty of time when she's bigger and he can see her movements better. He's so excited and proud. He says, "Karson loves kisses" and then he'll kiss my belly and "tickle, tickle" as he moves his fingers across my belly like a spider.
Even before Mike and I were married, I always thought for some reason I'd have 3 boys. And Mike pointed out to me the other night that we are going to have 3 "sons": Jaxson, Madison, and Karson! Ha!! Interesting, huh?? I was amused by his realization and we had a good laugh. So true, so true! Not at all what I'd pictured, but still true. Life is not always as it seems.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Vacation 2011
We decided this year to go back to the beach! After hoping that SC would be closer to drive than it was last year, I was only a little surprised to see on Google maps that the distance hadn't changed. Bummer! We didn't want to drive 13+ hours so we talked about Michigan again. After all, we did have such a great time last year in Traverse City. But we didn't need to drive that far either so I started looking at Holland and some of the "Beach Towns" on the West coast of Michigan. We decided there was plenty to do in Saugatuck so I began the planning process. We decided on a budget and I was off to the races. I love planning and researching and reading about all the fun things to see and the yummy food to eat. So I started the list of "options" for us to have once we arrived.
We checked in to the Holiday Inn Express in Holland. After all, it had a pool and the all important hot continental breakfast. In my research I saw that CIY was doing their 3rd week there in Holland, only a couple minutes from the hotel. So we messaged a couple friends there and made plans to go the next afternoon. We picked up some pizza at Sluggo's Pizzeria and headed to the beautiful Holland State Park beach. We ate a pizza on a nearby picnic table and did our best to keep Jaxson focused on eating before playing in the sand. We got his trucks and sand toys out of the van and headed to the water. Yeah, the water was a little chilly, but the beach was soft and white. Jaxson ran in and out of the water and loved it. He played in the sand with his toys and built a sand castle and then dug a hole with Mike. I loved watching them play and laugh together. This was the beginning of a very relaxing vacation!! We got some much needed sleep and then decided to head to Saugatuck in the morning for the Dune Rides!
We were all entertained by this experience and Jaxson was so excited. Jaxson laughed and talked to the driver responding to his questions and listening to every word. It was great! We ate lunch at Crane's Pie Pantry and headed to the next "must visit" on our list...Oval Beach. It was nice, but honestly, more rocky in the water than Holland. There were more people and the beach was pretty much the same type sand. Jaxson again played and played and played in the wet sand with his toys. We walked around in the water to cool off and then back to the toys and tractors on the beach. Again, he was so happy and full of just pure fun. We went to the hotel for a quick nap before going to see our CIY friends. It was more than great to catch up with so many of them. It was a SUPER late night, as a matter of fact, we felt like awful parents as we were drinvg around at 9:30 trying to find some dinner. Jaxson was a trooper and didn't seem to mind that it was an hour past his bedtime, I was not so patient. But at last, we picked up some Carino's and headed to the hotel.
Saturday morning we went back to Saugatuck for the "Star of Saugatuck" boat ride. Jaxson wasn't quite so entertained with this 1 1/2 hour experience, but it was educational and fun to see the beautiful condos and vacation homes. We had some sandwiches for lunch before heading to the beach again for the afternoon. We decided to try Tunnel Beach which turned out being our favorite. It was free and it had a big sand dune to run up and over on the way to the water. The sand was nice and inside the water wasn't rocky. It was like the Holland State Park beach. We stopped for an early dessert at Dairy Dayz where Mike decided that my 2 scoops of ice cream was better than what he got even though it was melting faster than I could eat it. Jaxson had already fallen asleep only 5 minutes from the beach. We went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner and that evening we enjoyed some dinner at the 8th St. Grille in Holland. We went swimming at the hotel before heading to bed.
Sunday morning we decided the beach sounded like fun again. I know, it was a rough vacation, I told you!! We grabbed a bagel at Panera and then headed to Tunnel Beach again for another day of playing in the sand and water. We ate sandwiches at the hotel and then rested for part of the afternoon. Jaxson enjoyed watching "the race cars" on TV and was cracking us up with his intense focus and concern for the cars. We swam one more time in the pool. We ate Panera for dinner on our way to the beach for one last jump in the water and sand castle to be built. It started raining so our last beach adventure was cut a bit short. Jaxson was sad leaving the beach that day and didn't understand why the rain was preventing us to play longer. The storm came in that evening.
Monday morning we woke up to the wind/rain storm. Mike got soaked getting the cooler out the van so we could get everything packed to head home. We ate breakfast, quickly got the van loaded and headed out of town. The rain was pummeling the van and the wind was blowing leaves across the road. We were thankful the rain held off until now, but what a bummer for those wanting to enjoy the beach today. We had one more stop to make and as we headed off the highway to Crane's Pie Pastry, there were trees in the road and stop lights out. We made it around the debris and as the rain continued to come down hard we pulled into the parking lot. The building was dark, but there were cars in the parking lot. I was greeted by 2 of the waitresses concerned that I wasn't going to get the breakfast I wanted, but thankfully the donuts were fresh and had just got done moments before the power went out. The blueberry strudel was in the freezer. So when they realized I wasn't leaving with out these danishes, they got their flash lights and began gathering my order! I explained how thankful I was because we were heading home and just had to get these donuts for my friend. They for some reason weren't quite so entertained. But deep down I knew Summer would've been extremely sad had I returned home without these delicious "must haves". I paid for the order, thanked them again and went out the van smiling from ear to ear. The timing was perfect and I was trilled. We headed back down the road around debris and back to the highway. We drove in the rain a couple more hours, Jaxson watched another movie and we talked about this great vacation in Michigan!!
We checked in to the Holiday Inn Express in Holland. After all, it had a pool and the all important hot continental breakfast. In my research I saw that CIY was doing their 3rd week there in Holland, only a couple minutes from the hotel. So we messaged a couple friends there and made plans to go the next afternoon. We picked up some pizza at Sluggo's Pizzeria and headed to the beautiful Holland State Park beach. We ate a pizza on a nearby picnic table and did our best to keep Jaxson focused on eating before playing in the sand. We got his trucks and sand toys out of the van and headed to the water. Yeah, the water was a little chilly, but the beach was soft and white. Jaxson ran in and out of the water and loved it. He played in the sand with his toys and built a sand castle and then dug a hole with Mike. I loved watching them play and laugh together. This was the beginning of a very relaxing vacation!! We got some much needed sleep and then decided to head to Saugatuck in the morning for the Dune Rides!
We were all entertained by this experience and Jaxson was so excited. Jaxson laughed and talked to the driver responding to his questions and listening to every word. It was great! We ate lunch at Crane's Pie Pantry and headed to the next "must visit" on our list...Oval Beach. It was nice, but honestly, more rocky in the water than Holland. There were more people and the beach was pretty much the same type sand. Jaxson again played and played and played in the wet sand with his toys. We walked around in the water to cool off and then back to the toys and tractors on the beach. Again, he was so happy and full of just pure fun. We went to the hotel for a quick nap before going to see our CIY friends. It was more than great to catch up with so many of them. It was a SUPER late night, as a matter of fact, we felt like awful parents as we were drinvg around at 9:30 trying to find some dinner. Jaxson was a trooper and didn't seem to mind that it was an hour past his bedtime, I was not so patient. But at last, we picked up some Carino's and headed to the hotel.
Saturday morning we went back to Saugatuck for the "Star of Saugatuck" boat ride. Jaxson wasn't quite so entertained with this 1 1/2 hour experience, but it was educational and fun to see the beautiful condos and vacation homes. We had some sandwiches for lunch before heading to the beach again for the afternoon. We decided to try Tunnel Beach which turned out being our favorite. It was free and it had a big sand dune to run up and over on the way to the water. The sand was nice and inside the water wasn't rocky. It was like the Holland State Park beach. We stopped for an early dessert at Dairy Dayz where Mike decided that my 2 scoops of ice cream was better than what he got even though it was melting faster than I could eat it. Jaxson had already fallen asleep only 5 minutes from the beach. We went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner and that evening we enjoyed some dinner at the 8th St. Grille in Holland. We went swimming at the hotel before heading to bed.
Sunday morning we decided the beach sounded like fun again. I know, it was a rough vacation, I told you!! We grabbed a bagel at Panera and then headed to Tunnel Beach again for another day of playing in the sand and water. We ate sandwiches at the hotel and then rested for part of the afternoon. Jaxson enjoyed watching "the race cars" on TV and was cracking us up with his intense focus and concern for the cars. We swam one more time in the pool. We ate Panera for dinner on our way to the beach for one last jump in the water and sand castle to be built. It started raining so our last beach adventure was cut a bit short. Jaxson was sad leaving the beach that day and didn't understand why the rain was preventing us to play longer. The storm came in that evening.
Monday morning we woke up to the wind/rain storm. Mike got soaked getting the cooler out the van so we could get everything packed to head home. We ate breakfast, quickly got the van loaded and headed out of town. The rain was pummeling the van and the wind was blowing leaves across the road. We were thankful the rain held off until now, but what a bummer for those wanting to enjoy the beach today. We had one more stop to make and as we headed off the highway to Crane's Pie Pastry, there were trees in the road and stop lights out. We made it around the debris and as the rain continued to come down hard we pulled into the parking lot. The building was dark, but there were cars in the parking lot. I was greeted by 2 of the waitresses concerned that I wasn't going to get the breakfast I wanted, but thankfully the donuts were fresh and had just got done moments before the power went out. The blueberry strudel was in the freezer. So when they realized I wasn't leaving with out these danishes, they got their flash lights and began gathering my order! I explained how thankful I was because we were heading home and just had to get these donuts for my friend. They for some reason weren't quite so entertained. But deep down I knew Summer would've been extremely sad had I returned home without these delicious "must haves". I paid for the order, thanked them again and went out the van smiling from ear to ear. The timing was perfect and I was trilled. We headed back down the road around debris and back to the highway. We drove in the rain a couple more hours, Jaxson watched another movie and we talked about this great vacation in Michigan!!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lessons found in our pain!
Music always speaks to me. I love music and KLOVE is on all the time in the car unless Jaxson requests his toddler tunes. :)
These lyrics are from Laura Story's "Blessings". The entire song resonates in my heart and at times starts the tears, but here is the chorus:
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
It's tough to think that Madison's death is somehow good, but I think that's the hard truth. That's the truth that comforts when the pain gets too hard to bear. That's the truth that sometimes forces more tears and more questions. But that's the truth. Truth isn't always easy to accept, but it's impossible to deny. God is molding and shaping our lives. He is using us to encourage and support each other.
The "baby doctor" was sharing with Mike and I at our last appointment about "your innocence is gone". Those were thoughts I hadn't put into words and hearing those words brought up a well of pain in my heart that in turn started the flood gate of tears. It's been a while since I just let the tears flow. Most days I feel good and at peace with our circumstances. There is the occasional teary eyes when Jaxson talks about missing his sister and still asks very sweet questions about her. But I haven't really felt like I needed to sit and cry. Until at the "baby doctor" of all places. But she's really great and super supportive. I guess it just felt safe to me?
I've started reading "Room of Marvels". It's a book we received from friends the February after Madison passed away. So far it kind of feels like "The Shack" but I'm still in the beginning of the story so we'll see. The part I read yesterday kind of eluded to the fact that God doesn't allow things to happen for us, things in this life happen for Him and for His purposes. He sees the big picture, the eternal picture. We see only what effects our little piece of our world. And when we feel like God isn't listening and we don't get what we want, we question God's love and God's attention "to me". Like a 2-year-old that needs our attention and help now, we throw a temper tantrum explaining to God over and over in case He's not hearing us. But that's truly not the case. God does hear the cries of our hearts and does care. He has the eternal in mind, our eternal in mind. As the author of the book says, if it's not this situation, it will be something else that could pull you away from God. At some point, you're not going to get what you want...so what do you do then??
These lyrics are from Laura Story's "Blessings". The entire song resonates in my heart and at times starts the tears, but here is the chorus:
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
It's tough to think that Madison's death is somehow good, but I think that's the hard truth. That's the truth that comforts when the pain gets too hard to bear. That's the truth that sometimes forces more tears and more questions. But that's the truth. Truth isn't always easy to accept, but it's impossible to deny. God is molding and shaping our lives. He is using us to encourage and support each other.
The "baby doctor" was sharing with Mike and I at our last appointment about "your innocence is gone". Those were thoughts I hadn't put into words and hearing those words brought up a well of pain in my heart that in turn started the flood gate of tears. It's been a while since I just let the tears flow. Most days I feel good and at peace with our circumstances. There is the occasional teary eyes when Jaxson talks about missing his sister and still asks very sweet questions about her. But I haven't really felt like I needed to sit and cry. Until at the "baby doctor" of all places. But she's really great and super supportive. I guess it just felt safe to me?
I've started reading "Room of Marvels". It's a book we received from friends the February after Madison passed away. So far it kind of feels like "The Shack" but I'm still in the beginning of the story so we'll see. The part I read yesterday kind of eluded to the fact that God doesn't allow things to happen for us, things in this life happen for Him and for His purposes. He sees the big picture, the eternal picture. We see only what effects our little piece of our world. And when we feel like God isn't listening and we don't get what we want, we question God's love and God's attention "to me". Like a 2-year-old that needs our attention and help now, we throw a temper tantrum explaining to God over and over in case He's not hearing us. But that's truly not the case. God does hear the cries of our hearts and does care. He has the eternal in mind, our eternal in mind. As the author of the book says, if it's not this situation, it will be something else that could pull you away from God. At some point, you're not going to get what you want...so what do you do then??
Summertime!
Summer is in full swing. Jaxson and I spend many hours out in the backyard swinging, playing in the sandbox, laying in the hammock and eating popsicles. We have pool access and will definitely be enjoying that as the weather heats up. It hasn't been warm enough yet to have very many water gun fights, but he always asks. Sometimes he gets the hose out, too and then we pretty much end up soaked! Jaxson is such a sweet happy boy. When we need to take a break from being outside, he loves playing with his trains and watching Thomas or Curious George.
He has lots of energy. He's going through a stage of, "I'm not going to talk to you" when he doesn't get his way. I hope it's a quick stage because it just annoys me. He snaps out of it in 2.5 seconds, but it's the heart of the attitude that bothers me.
He's so extremely excited about the baby. He can't wait to feel her kick and he always lifts my shirt to give her a kiss. He'll oftentimes lay on my belly while we're sitting on the couch. He can't get close enough to her. It will be fun when she can kick him in those moments because his eyes will light up!! He has agreed on the name for the newest baby Temm so that will likely be revealed soon. We're still looking at our options and want to make sure it feels right, though.
He told daddy that "since Madison isn't here right now, the baby can sleep in the nursery." Jaxson still asks about Madison and misses her. They're usually quick conversations, but very important for him to try and communicate his pain and confusion. Most often he asks when we're going to see Madison again. That's a tough one because on some days, the sooner the better. Jesus can't come back soon enough, but on other days the hope of seeing her again and knowing that this life is a moment compared to eternity...forever and ever...I want to enjoy the moments for today and watch Jaxson and Baby Girl grow up. I want to grow old with Mike and have grandkids, etc, etc. So it just depends on the day, but most of the time knowing we'll be in heaven someday to be reunited with her is enough. That may need to be a different post. God is healing and teaching me so definitely need to share that later!
He has lots of energy. He's going through a stage of, "I'm not going to talk to you" when he doesn't get his way. I hope it's a quick stage because it just annoys me. He snaps out of it in 2.5 seconds, but it's the heart of the attitude that bothers me.
He's so extremely excited about the baby. He can't wait to feel her kick and he always lifts my shirt to give her a kiss. He'll oftentimes lay on my belly while we're sitting on the couch. He can't get close enough to her. It will be fun when she can kick him in those moments because his eyes will light up!! He has agreed on the name for the newest baby Temm so that will likely be revealed soon. We're still looking at our options and want to make sure it feels right, though.
He told daddy that "since Madison isn't here right now, the baby can sleep in the nursery." Jaxson still asks about Madison and misses her. They're usually quick conversations, but very important for him to try and communicate his pain and confusion. Most often he asks when we're going to see Madison again. That's a tough one because on some days, the sooner the better. Jesus can't come back soon enough, but on other days the hope of seeing her again and knowing that this life is a moment compared to eternity...forever and ever...I want to enjoy the moments for today and watch Jaxson and Baby Girl grow up. I want to grow old with Mike and have grandkids, etc, etc. So it just depends on the day, but most of the time knowing we'll be in heaven someday to be reunited with her is enough. That may need to be a different post. God is healing and teaching me so definitely need to share that later!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The past year...
It's been a while since we have updated our blog. Now, I must admit this is a bit hard. In our past blogs we typically share fun life experiences as we watch Jaxson grow.But so much has happened in 2009 that I can't even begin to update you. Hopefully you hear from us and see pictures on facebook and on our web album so you've been kept up to date!
This blog is dedicated to our baby girl Madison Joy Temm (December 25, 2009 - January 30, 2010)! We love her and miss her everyday. She was our gift born at 5:32 a.m. on Christmas.
She was perfect and her brother was so extremely proud. We captured some very special moments in pictures, some with Jaxson, her extremely proud brother that gave her lots of kisses on her tiny nose, some with daddy, one particularly with her sleeping on his chest while he was taking a nap on the couch, and some with me as we watched Jaxson entertain us. We had 5 short weeks to spend with our precious baby, to love her, pray for her, hold her, and admire her.
But, January 29 was the day that everything spiraled out of control for her and for us. She suffered a cerebral hemmorage that caused at least two strokes. She was lifeflighted to Riley hospital where the "what if's" became a reality. After the first 2 catscans, it was very clear to the neurosurgeon that Madison would never be the same. We prayed for a miracle. We prayed for a "redo", that God would take this all away so we could return home as a complete and whole family, but we didn't get that miracle. We said goodbye to our baby girl on Saturday, January 30. She is in the arms of Jesus today and she's perfect. "She'll just have heaven before we do." We long for the day to see her and hold her again.
We've been surrounded by family and friends. So many have been praying for us and with us through this devastating, life changing situation. Madison's short life has made an enormous impact on us, our family, our church family, small group family, and friends! With the help of Hendricks Regional Hospital, Riley Hospital and IOPO, we were able to donate her heart to a 3-month-old little boy in Colorado. We pray for that family that Jesus would be the center of their lives. We pray that the Spirit of the Lord is in that tiny little baby. We may not ever know the reason for this happening to us and that's OK. This world is not our own.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world," John 16:33.
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