(This was written early October 2011 and it was never published. With these past blogs, I just really feel like someone needs to know they're not alone in their grief. So I'm praying for them to find these and be encouraged. Now 3 years later, Jaxson is very open talking about his sister in heaven and now he has 2 siblings in our house. Most of the time this year he has included Madison and he's comfortable with that answer to pretty much anyone that asks. So we talk very openly about her. The younger siblings talk about missing her and how when we go to heaven we'll see her. They know that she is with Jesus and we will all be united some day. IF you're reading this and struggling with these questions, grief takes time and you'll know when the time is right. Be patient with your children that are also grieving. Pray and pray for patience and wisdom!)
We're just waiting now for Baby Karson to arrive. It seems like any day she should be here, but it could be 2-3 more weeks so we're just waiting and trying to be patient. In the meantime, I've been struggling?...not sure that's the right word, but I'm torn by my answer to the comment, "Oh, you'll have a boy and a girl, how wonderful." I just want to blurt out, "well actually..." but it just hasn't been the right moment so I just smile and nod and walk away. They're passing comments and they're expressing their excitement for our family, but I walk away almost feeling like I've misled them or was dishonest...well, I have...no, this is #3, Jaxson is already a big brother, we will have 2 girls and 1 boy. But instead of kindly correcting them, I just walk away.
This type of conversation never seems to fit naturally so then I question whether to completely change the mood or just let the conversation pass. I've been just letting it go, but then I don't let it go, I think about it and play the scenario through in my head wondering how to say it nicely and without so much emotion.
I don't have the answers to this constant dilemma, but I hope someday in a sweet and non-confrontational way I can mention Madison without being too emotional and without making the other person feel bad.
I did have a lady ask me at the store last week, "when are you due". She asked how many kids we had so I said, "this is #3." She said, "oh, what do you have at home?" I thought that was an interesting way to ask, but I without any hesitation said, "we have a 4-year-old boy at home and a daughter that passed away". She said, "oh, so you're going to get your girl and you'll have one of each." Really? I mean, she was being so sweet and I appreciated her asking me and talking with me. She didn't know what to say, prior to us going through this loss, I didn't know what to say either.
So I thought, is this how it is, am I completely misunderstanding how this whole life and death thing works? Just because we're having a girl doesn't mean that everything is right with the world.
At any point in our daily lives you can talk with Jaxson about his sister Madison and you'd know that no, all is not right with the world. No matter how many kids we have, until we are reunited with Madison in Heaven, all will never be right with the world. That's just the hard truth at least from my heart right now. I think if Jaxson could verbalize it, he'd say the same thing. I mean, how is it right when a 4-year-old little boy (almost 2 years later) is still asking why Madison can't come back and why we can't see her now. It just doesn't make sense that if she's not sick in Heaven why Jesus can't give her back to us.
We're not alone and I'm curious how other families deal with that question. What is their response and what is the response of the sibling when they're asked, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
There isn't an exact right response all the time, I know.
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