(This was written a year ago and I never published it...guess life just got busy or it wasn't necessary at the time. Now I'm re-looking at our blog and pray this will be an encouragement to someone that may be struggling with the same issues or dealing with similar situations. This is very honest and real. Praise Jesus we are doing great now, we learned a lot through this season. It seems like there is always a lesson learned and then grief is thrown in the mix and it makes for an interesting mess. But God is control, not me. I am constantly reminding the kids to only worry about themselves when it comes to one of them trying to control the other sibling. But all the while still even today I try and control, but God is continuing to give me patience and give me guidance on what is within my purview and what is not for me to worry about. So read this knowing there is beauty in the ashes and JOY does come in the morning.)
It's been a struggle, maybe all my life, but it's gradually gotten worse, I think since 2010, but maybe before. It's not an excuse, it's just an obvious life change that turned my heart upside down and changed my world forever. So naturally we come out on the other side of it changed. But it wasn't good. It's been a constant struggle. My family has noticed and felt the brunt of my emotions. God has been holding us together. And thankfully God is full of Grace and Mercy that is new every morning.
Our marriage has definitely had some ups and downs, but I wanted to take some time to process this past couple years so I can earmark it to reflect and remind us that we don't want to go back, we don't want to ever experience family, marriage and life this way again. So it's raw and honest, but hopefully it's encouraging.
I read a marriage blog last week that put the puzzle together for me. It's been a long road of work, study, and processing. It's been a road of doubt, insecurity, worry, frustration, anger, etc. In our marriage, we recently worked through some obvious concerns and have talked and talked, set boundaries, have open communication and are working on trust and respect together. But there was still something missing, I was still feeling very uneasy and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, we still have work to do and we're ready to face the days and years together. 10 years with 2 people that are very different in how we think, feel, and experience life, there is a lot of fun and a lot of learning involved then mix in the 3 growing kids that need us and look to us for security and teaching, it's quite the situation. So, all that to say, here's the eye-opening realization... I have been trying to control everything... marriage, husband, kids, people's thoughts and motives...everything. So, obviously, that doesn't work well. It sounds so silly, but the thing is, I thought I was helping and preventing pain and preventing mistakes and preventing heartache.
The more I pray and process, the more I realize the "chains of bondage" that have been holding me down. My worry and anxiety after losing Madison plus the marital frustration that also goes hand-in-hand with losing Madison was causing turmoil in my heart. That sweet baby girl, even though she's not here, she still is part of our lives. Let's face it, the kids that live in this house add fun and stress and worry so it's natural that our daughter in heaven should have a place in our hearts with the same characteristics, right? This is absolutely not her fault, no blame toward her whatsoever. It's 100% the choices I made day after day that led to anger taking over. So there it is....anger. But at the root of anger is control and the root of worry is control and the root of disagreements is most of the time control. So, control is the issue!
I knew the joy was gone for a time, but that is expected. I knew the pain was at times unbearable, but that is expected. I knew our marriage was rocked, but that is expected. I knew Jaxson would miss his sister, but that is expected. So years of expecting joy to return and expecting our marriage and life to get easier as we adjusted to the "new normal" only covered up the deeper issue growing in my heart. When those expected situations weren't changing as quickly as I wanted, I was frustrated. When I couldn't help comfort Jaxson because the answers didn't make sense to me, I was worried. When Mike and I were misunderstanding each other, I was angry. Do you see the control rearing it's head up. It was subtle, but now it's so obvious, it was just disguised by excuses.
So, after months of struggling, praying, and then reading that blog, I told Mike the other night, I refuse to lose another year. Another year fighting for our marriage, another year worrying and yes, yelling at the kids, another year of disrespecting and not trusting him. I refuse to let this literally control me. The anger was too much to bear. I might add, that about 3 years ago, I worked through my anger and God released it from me. I dealt with it the same way, struggling through it, praying about it, repenting to God, asking forgiveness to the kids and to Mike. I love them with every ounce of my being, but boy were my actions speaking louder than my words. All that to say, when the anger came up on me again, I started treating it the exact same way, until that blog. If you didn't read it, it said, "We let
chronic fear, worry, and anxiety rob us of joy. We're surrounded by the people we love and care for most, but we can't enjoy it." In that snip-it, you may not read control, but last Tuesday, that's what I felt and it was an "ahh ha" lightbulb-type experience that can't be explained. I really thought this talked about anger, even as I shared it with Mike but either way, the Holy Spirit was prompting my heart to be set free!
It's not a perfect road because as we all know, "Satan is prowling around like a roaring lion waiting for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). If you are studying God's word and growing in your faith, you are that "someone" so beware. I'm not unaware of it and I fall prey daily. I just pray that God will continue to give me strength to fight the fear and anxiety as I feel it creeping up in the pit of my stomach. Because those emotions all to easily turn to control and anger. I do feel it and I hope I always do because it keeps me humble and it keeps me focused on love, truth, trust, respect, patience, encouragement and all things that are of God..."pure, right, true, and holy...think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
The first couple days were incredible, filled with laughter and fun, joy and happiness. Now I'm retraining myself to be patient and taking the time to reteach the kids basic survival skills like self control, talking through frustration, not controlling their siblings...I know, mom of the year right here, seriously, I never said I was proud of my example. I told you this was raw and honest. I don't need to fill this blog with fluffy, we had fun times and we enjoy plenty of hugs and kisses and joy, because we truly do. The kids are amazing kids, growing and learning, loving and trusting. Very secure in themselves and in our family. Most of all, learning more about Jesus, too. We all know it's easy to make good choices when everything is going well. In the good times, of course, we're happy and making memories. Its when the going gets tough that those survival skills are necessary and those are the moments that we are all re-programming.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.
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