Wednesday, December 7, 2016
An amazing update coming soon!
I'm not even sure who sees these posts. It's been forever. But there is something super spectacular that will be shared with all of you in the coming days. I'm working on it. So I obviously posted some past blogs hopefully someone can find encouragement or something in them. Stay tuned!
Going to try and keep up better (2/12/15)
February 12, 2015:
We need a way to keep memories of our kiddos. They are growing up so fast! The pictures are great, but the stories to reminisce would be a great complement. So, let me try and catch up. It's been a couple years since updating this so that means, Jaxson is now 7 and in 1st grade, Karson is 2 1/2 and Hudson is 1 1/2. We're ready for spring and summer...warmer weather to play outside would be great. Or I guess a really good snow to keep us home a couple days would be fine, too, for sledding and building a snowman. Do you want to build a snowman? We have 3 kids here that really would enjoy that.
We need a way to keep memories of our kiddos. They are growing up so fast! The pictures are great, but the stories to reminisce would be a great complement. So, let me try and catch up. It's been a couple years since updating this so that means, Jaxson is now 7 and in 1st grade, Karson is 2 1/2 and Hudson is 1 1/2. We're ready for spring and summer...warmer weather to play outside would be great. Or I guess a really good snow to keep us home a couple days would be fine, too, for sledding and building a snowman. Do you want to build a snowman? We have 3 kids here that really would enjoy that.
We went this past weekend to the Springer Farm and met their baby lambs. The kids loved it! The ewes were baa-ing like crazy and Hudson was baulking back. He even gave one of the babies a kiss. He tried to rub the dirty nose of one of the week old babies. He was so intrigued, just petting them and sitting right in the middle of the barn watching them and pointing. Karson was loving on them and taking good care of them as sweet as she always is. Jaxson was excited to see them, but was more intrigued with the chickens and chasing them around. He will be ready to head out there in the Spring when the lambs get released from the barn and he can run and chase to his heart's content.
Jaxson in 1st grade is great. He loves it. He gets nothing but praise and encouragement for his behavior and school work. He brings home sweet notes from his classmates...mostly the girls...he is sweet, he's a helper, he's compassionate and kind. He is loving at home with his brother and sister. We are working through giving him space when he gets home because he needs it, to do whatever he wants, usually legos or watching a show. He is helpful with his siblings, but they do smother him and he just needs his space. :)
Karson loves her babies. She is the most compassionate and sweetest little girl. She adores her brothers, too, and is always ready to take care of them. Her favorite movies are Tangled, Brave and Frozen. She loves to sing, "Everybody praise the Lord" and any of her Disney movie songs. I mentioned she smothers Jaxson, she also smothers Hudson, too. You'd think she would get tired of Hudson day after day, but she can't get enough of him.
Hudson is obsessed with shooting basketballs, dribbling balls, throwing balls, kicking balls. He loves playing catch. He adores his siblings and wants to be just like them. He watches them and does everything they do. Karson is good at getting him in trouble because she leads him and then disappears. :)
Jaxson is going to be a big brother AGAIN! (October 2011)
(This was written early October 2011 and it was never published. With these past blogs, I just really feel like someone needs to know they're not alone in their grief. So I'm praying for them to find these and be encouraged. Now 3 years later, Jaxson is very open talking about his sister in heaven and now he has 2 siblings in our house. Most of the time this year he has included Madison and he's comfortable with that answer to pretty much anyone that asks. So we talk very openly about her. The younger siblings talk about missing her and how when we go to heaven we'll see her. They know that she is with Jesus and we will all be united some day. IF you're reading this and struggling with these questions, grief takes time and you'll know when the time is right. Be patient with your children that are also grieving. Pray and pray for patience and wisdom!)
We're just waiting now for Baby Karson to arrive. It seems like any day she should be here, but it could be 2-3 more weeks so we're just waiting and trying to be patient. In the meantime, I've been struggling?...not sure that's the right word, but I'm torn by my answer to the comment, "Oh, you'll have a boy and a girl, how wonderful." I just want to blurt out, "well actually..." but it just hasn't been the right moment so I just smile and nod and walk away. They're passing comments and they're expressing their excitement for our family, but I walk away almost feeling like I've misled them or was dishonest...well, I have...no, this is #3, Jaxson is already a big brother, we will have 2 girls and 1 boy. But instead of kindly correcting them, I just walk away.
This type of conversation never seems to fit naturally so then I question whether to completely change the mood or just let the conversation pass. I've been just letting it go, but then I don't let it go, I think about it and play the scenario through in my head wondering how to say it nicely and without so much emotion.
I don't have the answers to this constant dilemma, but I hope someday in a sweet and non-confrontational way I can mention Madison without being too emotional and without making the other person feel bad.
I did have a lady ask me at the store last week, "when are you due". She asked how many kids we had so I said, "this is #3." She said, "oh, what do you have at home?" I thought that was an interesting way to ask, but I without any hesitation said, "we have a 4-year-old boy at home and a daughter that passed away". She said, "oh, so you're going to get your girl and you'll have one of each." Really? I mean, she was being so sweet and I appreciated her asking me and talking with me. She didn't know what to say, prior to us going through this loss, I didn't know what to say either.
So I thought, is this how it is, am I completely misunderstanding how this whole life and death thing works? Just because we're having a girl doesn't mean that everything is right with the world.
At any point in our daily lives you can talk with Jaxson about his sister Madison and you'd know that no, all is not right with the world. No matter how many kids we have, until we are reunited with Madison in Heaven, all will never be right with the world. That's just the hard truth at least from my heart right now. I think if Jaxson could verbalize it, he'd say the same thing. I mean, how is it right when a 4-year-old little boy (almost 2 years later) is still asking why Madison can't come back and why we can't see her now. It just doesn't make sense that if she's not sick in Heaven why Jesus can't give her back to us.
We're not alone and I'm curious how other families deal with that question. What is their response and what is the response of the sibling when they're asked, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
There isn't an exact right response all the time, I know.
We're just waiting now for Baby Karson to arrive. It seems like any day she should be here, but it could be 2-3 more weeks so we're just waiting and trying to be patient. In the meantime, I've been struggling?...not sure that's the right word, but I'm torn by my answer to the comment, "Oh, you'll have a boy and a girl, how wonderful." I just want to blurt out, "well actually..." but it just hasn't been the right moment so I just smile and nod and walk away. They're passing comments and they're expressing their excitement for our family, but I walk away almost feeling like I've misled them or was dishonest...well, I have...no, this is #3, Jaxson is already a big brother, we will have 2 girls and 1 boy. But instead of kindly correcting them, I just walk away.
This type of conversation never seems to fit naturally so then I question whether to completely change the mood or just let the conversation pass. I've been just letting it go, but then I don't let it go, I think about it and play the scenario through in my head wondering how to say it nicely and without so much emotion.
I don't have the answers to this constant dilemma, but I hope someday in a sweet and non-confrontational way I can mention Madison without being too emotional and without making the other person feel bad.
I did have a lady ask me at the store last week, "when are you due". She asked how many kids we had so I said, "this is #3." She said, "oh, what do you have at home?" I thought that was an interesting way to ask, but I without any hesitation said, "we have a 4-year-old boy at home and a daughter that passed away". She said, "oh, so you're going to get your girl and you'll have one of each." Really? I mean, she was being so sweet and I appreciated her asking me and talking with me. She didn't know what to say, prior to us going through this loss, I didn't know what to say either.
So I thought, is this how it is, am I completely misunderstanding how this whole life and death thing works? Just because we're having a girl doesn't mean that everything is right with the world.
At any point in our daily lives you can talk with Jaxson about his sister Madison and you'd know that no, all is not right with the world. No matter how many kids we have, until we are reunited with Madison in Heaven, all will never be right with the world. That's just the hard truth at least from my heart right now. I think if Jaxson could verbalize it, he'd say the same thing. I mean, how is it right when a 4-year-old little boy (almost 2 years later) is still asking why Madison can't come back and why we can't see her now. It just doesn't make sense that if she's not sick in Heaven why Jesus can't give her back to us.
We're not alone and I'm curious how other families deal with that question. What is their response and what is the response of the sibling when they're asked, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
There isn't an exact right response all the time, I know.
The day I realized that I am not in control...
(This was written a year ago and I never published it...guess life just got busy or it wasn't necessary at the time. Now I'm re-looking at our blog and pray this will be an encouragement to someone that may be struggling with the same issues or dealing with similar situations. This is very honest and real. Praise Jesus we are doing great now, we learned a lot through this season. It seems like there is always a lesson learned and then grief is thrown in the mix and it makes for an interesting mess. But God is control, not me. I am constantly reminding the kids to only worry about themselves when it comes to one of them trying to control the other sibling. But all the while still even today I try and control, but God is continuing to give me patience and give me guidance on what is within my purview and what is not for me to worry about. So read this knowing there is beauty in the ashes and JOY does come in the morning.)
It's been a struggle, maybe all my life, but it's gradually gotten worse, I think since 2010, but maybe before. It's not an excuse, it's just an obvious life change that turned my heart upside down and changed my world forever. So naturally we come out on the other side of it changed. But it wasn't good. It's been a constant struggle. My family has noticed and felt the brunt of my emotions. God has been holding us together. And thankfully God is full of Grace and Mercy that is new every morning.
Our marriage has definitely had some ups and downs, but I wanted to take some time to process this past couple years so I can earmark it to reflect and remind us that we don't want to go back, we don't want to ever experience family, marriage and life this way again. So it's raw and honest, but hopefully it's encouraging.
I read a marriage blog last week that put the puzzle together for me. It's been a long road of work, study, and processing. It's been a road of doubt, insecurity, worry, frustration, anger, etc. In our marriage, we recently worked through some obvious concerns and have talked and talked, set boundaries, have open communication and are working on trust and respect together. But there was still something missing, I was still feeling very uneasy and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, we still have work to do and we're ready to face the days and years together. 10 years with 2 people that are very different in how we think, feel, and experience life, there is a lot of fun and a lot of learning involved then mix in the 3 growing kids that need us and look to us for security and teaching, it's quite the situation. So, all that to say, here's the eye-opening realization... I have been trying to control everything... marriage, husband, kids, people's thoughts and motives...everything. So, obviously, that doesn't work well. It sounds so silly, but the thing is, I thought I was helping and preventing pain and preventing mistakes and preventing heartache.
The more I pray and process, the more I realize the "chains of bondage" that have been holding me down. My worry and anxiety after losing Madison plus the marital frustration that also goes hand-in-hand with losing Madison was causing turmoil in my heart. That sweet baby girl, even though she's not here, she still is part of our lives. Let's face it, the kids that live in this house add fun and stress and worry so it's natural that our daughter in heaven should have a place in our hearts with the same characteristics, right? This is absolutely not her fault, no blame toward her whatsoever. It's 100% the choices I made day after day that led to anger taking over. So there it is....anger. But at the root of anger is control and the root of worry is control and the root of disagreements is most of the time control. So, control is the issue!
I knew the joy was gone for a time, but that is expected. I knew the pain was at times unbearable, but that is expected. I knew our marriage was rocked, but that is expected. I knew Jaxson would miss his sister, but that is expected. So years of expecting joy to return and expecting our marriage and life to get easier as we adjusted to the "new normal" only covered up the deeper issue growing in my heart. When those expected situations weren't changing as quickly as I wanted, I was frustrated. When I couldn't help comfort Jaxson because the answers didn't make sense to me, I was worried. When Mike and I were misunderstanding each other, I was angry. Do you see the control rearing it's head up. It was subtle, but now it's so obvious, it was just disguised by excuses.
So, after months of struggling, praying, and then reading that blog, I told Mike the other night, I refuse to lose another year. Another year fighting for our marriage, another year worrying and yes, yelling at the kids, another year of disrespecting and not trusting him. I refuse to let this literally control me. The anger was too much to bear. I might add, that about 3 years ago, I worked through my anger and God released it from me. I dealt with it the same way, struggling through it, praying about it, repenting to God, asking forgiveness to the kids and to Mike. I love them with every ounce of my being, but boy were my actions speaking louder than my words. All that to say, when the anger came up on me again, I started treating it the exact same way, until that blog. If you didn't read it, it said, "We let
chronic fear, worry, and anxiety rob us of joy. We're surrounded by the people we love and care for most, but we can't enjoy it." In that snip-it, you may not read control, but last Tuesday, that's what I felt and it was an "ahh ha" lightbulb-type experience that can't be explained. I really thought this talked about anger, even as I shared it with Mike but either way, the Holy Spirit was prompting my heart to be set free!
It's not a perfect road because as we all know, "Satan is prowling around like a roaring lion waiting for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). If you are studying God's word and growing in your faith, you are that "someone" so beware. I'm not unaware of it and I fall prey daily. I just pray that God will continue to give me strength to fight the fear and anxiety as I feel it creeping up in the pit of my stomach. Because those emotions all to easily turn to control and anger. I do feel it and I hope I always do because it keeps me humble and it keeps me focused on love, truth, trust, respect, patience, encouragement and all things that are of God..."pure, right, true, and holy...think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
The first couple days were incredible, filled with laughter and fun, joy and happiness. Now I'm retraining myself to be patient and taking the time to reteach the kids basic survival skills like self control, talking through frustration, not controlling their siblings...I know, mom of the year right here, seriously, I never said I was proud of my example. I told you this was raw and honest. I don't need to fill this blog with fluffy, we had fun times and we enjoy plenty of hugs and kisses and joy, because we truly do. The kids are amazing kids, growing and learning, loving and trusting. Very secure in themselves and in our family. Most of all, learning more about Jesus, too. We all know it's easy to make good choices when everything is going well. In the good times, of course, we're happy and making memories. Its when the going gets tough that those survival skills are necessary and those are the moments that we are all re-programming.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.
It's been a struggle, maybe all my life, but it's gradually gotten worse, I think since 2010, but maybe before. It's not an excuse, it's just an obvious life change that turned my heart upside down and changed my world forever. So naturally we come out on the other side of it changed. But it wasn't good. It's been a constant struggle. My family has noticed and felt the brunt of my emotions. God has been holding us together. And thankfully God is full of Grace and Mercy that is new every morning.
Our marriage has definitely had some ups and downs, but I wanted to take some time to process this past couple years so I can earmark it to reflect and remind us that we don't want to go back, we don't want to ever experience family, marriage and life this way again. So it's raw and honest, but hopefully it's encouraging.
I read a marriage blog last week that put the puzzle together for me. It's been a long road of work, study, and processing. It's been a road of doubt, insecurity, worry, frustration, anger, etc. In our marriage, we recently worked through some obvious concerns and have talked and talked, set boundaries, have open communication and are working on trust and respect together. But there was still something missing, I was still feeling very uneasy and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, we still have work to do and we're ready to face the days and years together. 10 years with 2 people that are very different in how we think, feel, and experience life, there is a lot of fun and a lot of learning involved then mix in the 3 growing kids that need us and look to us for security and teaching, it's quite the situation. So, all that to say, here's the eye-opening realization... I have been trying to control everything... marriage, husband, kids, people's thoughts and motives...everything. So, obviously, that doesn't work well. It sounds so silly, but the thing is, I thought I was helping and preventing pain and preventing mistakes and preventing heartache.
The more I pray and process, the more I realize the "chains of bondage" that have been holding me down. My worry and anxiety after losing Madison plus the marital frustration that also goes hand-in-hand with losing Madison was causing turmoil in my heart. That sweet baby girl, even though she's not here, she still is part of our lives. Let's face it, the kids that live in this house add fun and stress and worry so it's natural that our daughter in heaven should have a place in our hearts with the same characteristics, right? This is absolutely not her fault, no blame toward her whatsoever. It's 100% the choices I made day after day that led to anger taking over. So there it is....anger. But at the root of anger is control and the root of worry is control and the root of disagreements is most of the time control. So, control is the issue!
I knew the joy was gone for a time, but that is expected. I knew the pain was at times unbearable, but that is expected. I knew our marriage was rocked, but that is expected. I knew Jaxson would miss his sister, but that is expected. So years of expecting joy to return and expecting our marriage and life to get easier as we adjusted to the "new normal" only covered up the deeper issue growing in my heart. When those expected situations weren't changing as quickly as I wanted, I was frustrated. When I couldn't help comfort Jaxson because the answers didn't make sense to me, I was worried. When Mike and I were misunderstanding each other, I was angry. Do you see the control rearing it's head up. It was subtle, but now it's so obvious, it was just disguised by excuses.
So, after months of struggling, praying, and then reading that blog, I told Mike the other night, I refuse to lose another year. Another year fighting for our marriage, another year worrying and yes, yelling at the kids, another year of disrespecting and not trusting him. I refuse to let this literally control me. The anger was too much to bear. I might add, that about 3 years ago, I worked through my anger and God released it from me. I dealt with it the same way, struggling through it, praying about it, repenting to God, asking forgiveness to the kids and to Mike. I love them with every ounce of my being, but boy were my actions speaking louder than my words. All that to say, when the anger came up on me again, I started treating it the exact same way, until that blog. If you didn't read it, it said, "We let
chronic fear, worry, and anxiety rob us of joy. We're surrounded by the people we love and care for most, but we can't enjoy it." In that snip-it, you may not read control, but last Tuesday, that's what I felt and it was an "ahh ha" lightbulb-type experience that can't be explained. I really thought this talked about anger, even as I shared it with Mike but either way, the Holy Spirit was prompting my heart to be set free!
It's not a perfect road because as we all know, "Satan is prowling around like a roaring lion waiting for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). If you are studying God's word and growing in your faith, you are that "someone" so beware. I'm not unaware of it and I fall prey daily. I just pray that God will continue to give me strength to fight the fear and anxiety as I feel it creeping up in the pit of my stomach. Because those emotions all to easily turn to control and anger. I do feel it and I hope I always do because it keeps me humble and it keeps me focused on love, truth, trust, respect, patience, encouragement and all things that are of God..."pure, right, true, and holy...think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
The first couple days were incredible, filled with laughter and fun, joy and happiness. Now I'm retraining myself to be patient and taking the time to reteach the kids basic survival skills like self control, talking through frustration, not controlling their siblings...I know, mom of the year right here, seriously, I never said I was proud of my example. I told you this was raw and honest. I don't need to fill this blog with fluffy, we had fun times and we enjoy plenty of hugs and kisses and joy, because we truly do. The kids are amazing kids, growing and learning, loving and trusting. Very secure in themselves and in our family. Most of all, learning more about Jesus, too. We all know it's easy to make good choices when everything is going well. In the good times, of course, we're happy and making memories. Its when the going gets tough that those survival skills are necessary and those are the moments that we are all re-programming.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.
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