Lessons found in our pain!

Music always speaks to me. I love music and KLOVE is on all the time in the car unless Jaxson requests his toddler tunes. :)
These lyrics are from Laura Story's "Blessings". The entire song resonates in my heart and at times starts the tears, but here is the chorus:
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

It's tough to think that Madison's death is somehow good, but I think that's the hard truth. That's the truth that comforts when the pain gets too hard to bear. That's the truth that sometimes forces more tears and more questions. But that's the truth. Truth isn't always easy to accept, but it's impossible to deny. God is molding and shaping our lives. He is using us to encourage and support each other.

The "baby doctor" was sharing with Mike and I at our last appointment about "your innocence is gone". Those were thoughts I hadn't put into words and hearing those words brought up a well of pain in my heart that in turn started the flood gate of tears. It's been a while since I just let the tears flow. Most days I feel good and at peace with our circumstances. There is the occasional teary eyes when Jaxson talks about missing his sister and still asks very sweet questions about her. But I haven't really felt like I needed to sit and cry. Until at the "baby doctor" of all places. But she's really great and super supportive. I guess it just felt safe to me?

I've started reading "Room of Marvels". It's a book we received from friends the February after Madison passed away. So far it kind of feels like "The Shack" but I'm still in the beginning of the story so we'll see. The part I read yesterday kind of eluded to the fact that God doesn't allow things to happen for us, things in this life happen for Him and for His purposes. He sees the big picture, the eternal picture. We see only what effects our little piece of our world. And when we feel like God isn't listening and we don't get what we want, we question God's love and God's attention "to me". Like a 2-year-old that needs our attention and help now, we throw a temper tantrum explaining to God over and over in case He's not hearing us. But that's truly not the case. God does hear the cries of our hearts and does care. He has the eternal in mind, our eternal in mind. As the author of the book says, if it's not this situation, it will be something else that could pull you away from God. At some point, you're not going to get what you want...so what do you do then??

Summertime!

Summer is in full swing. Jaxson and I spend many hours out in the backyard swinging, playing in the sandbox, laying in the hammock and eating popsicles. We have pool access and will definitely be enjoying that as the weather heats up. It hasn't been warm enough yet to have very many water gun fights, but he always asks. Sometimes he gets the hose out, too and then we pretty much end up soaked! Jaxson is such a sweet happy boy. When we need to take a break from being outside, he loves playing with his trains and watching Thomas or Curious George.

He has lots of energy. He's going through a stage of, "I'm not going to talk to you" when he doesn't get his way. I hope it's a quick stage because it just annoys me. He snaps out of it in 2.5 seconds, but it's the heart of the attitude that bothers me.

He's so extremely excited about the baby. He can't wait to feel her kick and he always lifts my shirt to give her a kiss. He'll oftentimes lay on my belly while we're sitting on the couch. He can't get close enough to her. It will be fun when she can kick him in those moments because his eyes will light up!! He has agreed on the name for the newest baby Temm so that will likely be revealed soon. We're still looking at our options and want to make sure it feels right, though.

He told daddy that "since Madison isn't here right now, the baby can sleep in the nursery." Jaxson still asks about Madison and misses her. They're usually quick conversations, but very important for him to try and communicate his pain and confusion. Most often he asks when we're going to see Madison again. That's a tough one because on some days, the sooner the better. Jesus can't come back soon enough, but on other days the hope of seeing her again and knowing that this life is a moment compared to eternity...forever and ever...I want to enjoy the moments for today and watch Jaxson and Baby Girl grow up. I want to grow old with Mike and have grandkids, etc, etc. So it just depends on the day, but most of the time knowing we'll be in heaven someday to be reunited with her is enough. That may need to be a different post. God is healing and teaching me so definitely need to share that later!